Brits revoke US independence

[darthrider]

Andy did you have a hand in this?


 

(A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America):

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to etermine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

[JCsman]

I predict a population boom in Kansas. Funny stuff!

-------------------------------
I feel the urge....the urge to surge.
- Bill

[geechie]

Cheeky barstids. Eh, wot?

Might have something on the beer thing though.

George

[1150bob]

I can just picture John Cleese standing at a podium and reading this declaration of non-Independance. Has always been a funny guy even though I didn't care for Monty Python too much. Bob

[AndyfromPoland]

Dave: Not guilty, but wish I was. Excellent stuff.

[jonothan]

Word on the street is that Queen Elizabeth doesn't much fancy Montana either.

She's been lurking on this forum.

Jonothan

[yjleesvrr]

Well, in that case, here's an open letter to the Queen:

Your Majesty:

Please outlaw Britney Speers, all major American brands of beer, Pontiac, and send Jessie Jackson on permanent vacation to one of the remote islands you have in the Indian Ocean. Diego Garcia perhaps.

While you're at it, please make the producers of The Simpsons hire back the original writers (first six seasons) and make the watching of Family Guy mandatory for all of your civil servants.

Sincerely,

One of your new American subjects

[darthrider]

Yong!
Are you campaigning for Secretary of State?
Great platform...

[new2BMW]

Well;
I have to say that I don't trust our new government any more than the old one.

Andie MacDowell is very hot and played an American in "Four Weddings and a Funeral". There is something wrong with anyone that picks on her.
Secondly, that was the single most boring (Bouring?) movie I have ever seen. (At least the 32 minutes that I managed to stay awake.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

I suppose he has a point there.

Since the donut was invented in America, we'll spell it any way we dang well please. (I suggest our new governer learn the meaning of the word "dang".)

See evidence that the donut is American here.
http://www.elliskaiser.com/doughnuts/history.html

I suppose Jaguar and Vauxhall will have to be eliminated too since they are owned by American car manufacturers. We can all drive the new official cars "der Mini" "der Bentley" and "der Rover".

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Bring Beckham and his boys over for a "match". The New England Patriots defensive line would like to have a go. Oh, never mind, since half of the star players in the UK are from Italy and Latin America, I suppose the English aren't that good at the sport either.

I agree with the baseball and beer issues. How can I help?

An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Bring him on. I will be waiting with my lawyer, my therapist and our guns at the McDonalds. He can't miss us, we'll be the ones eating the supour sise order of chips with ketchup.

[new2BMW]

By the way, I would like to issue a petition requesting that all Pontiacs built on or before 1975 be allowed to remain.

And.

I am not going to be tricked into telling anyone who shot JR. Duh! I know that the TV series "Dallas" is just now being played on British television.

[Biff's R]

I always that you needed to have salt with the vinegar on chips(UK version).

one soccer question:
1. Can you tell Chelski to $^#@ off?


Do we get Boxing Day, and the Bank Holidays?