SEC.....North vs South

[boxermania]

HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?


At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to
explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at
Harvard.


At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an
engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.


At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure
out how to get stoned off the old one.


At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about
how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an
NCAA investigator.


At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and
three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.


At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester
hours.


At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how
much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.


At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to
buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk
about how much they hate Alabama.


At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to
buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".


At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk
about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and
roll toomer's Corner when finished.


At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to
discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent
football team.


At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.


Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically
different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip
South, here are some helpful hints.


Women's Accessories

NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and
a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.


Stadium Size

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.


Fathers

NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.


Campus Decor

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.


Homecoming Queen

NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.


Heroes

NORTH: Rudy Guliani

SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning


Getting Tickets

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
and purchase tickets.

SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on
campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.


Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.

SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the
few hung over students that might actually make it to class.


Parking

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for
game parking.

SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for
the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.


Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.

SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.


Tailgating

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local
radio station with truck tailgate down.

SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking
accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.


Getting to the Stadium

NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right
in.

SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the
state's third largest city.


Concessions

NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.

SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on
it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for
bourbon.


When National Anthem is Played

NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them
stand up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part
harmony.


The Smell in the Air After the First Score

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.


Commentary (Male)

NORTH: "Nice play."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."


Commentary (Female)

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."


Announcers

NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a
tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.


After the Game

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.


Did I miss anything?????????

[JCsman]

Priceless! And Gospel true, at least for anyone who actually has lived in the south.

I went to a (now) Big 12 University. I thought I'd seen football rivalries, especially Nebraska/Oklahoma in their peaks.

But NOTHING is like SEC football.

When a marriage is described as "mixed" in the north it tends to be racial or religeous. Here it's one spouse for Auburn the other for *spit* 'Bama.

[socalrob]

You got University of Florida down to a T. Was a pretty hard partying school back in the late 70's when I was there. Football games were great. In those days FL pretty much lost all their road games, but won nearly every home game before screaming at capacity stands (like 90,000).

[Biff's R]

Good one Al, BUT

the only guy who uses his Heismans as bookends lives up here.

My boss would say that the SEC is for people who could not get into an ACC school. He went to Georgia Tech.

[Kevin]

GO BUCKS!!!

If there's a better rivalry in college sports than OSU vs Michigan, I'd like to see it. And if you think we don't take our football seriously up north, then you have obviously never spent a day at Heineygate, before and after the game, with the rest of the city of Columbus, where the cops are present to make sure the sellers don't run out of beer lest there be a riot!

I give the SEC credit, though. They are a good conference. Probably a close second to the Big Ten!